In the previous post I explained potential reasons why some people choose to give up their Highest Values (i.e. what they need or want most), for others. There is also another side to this story, but I wanted to give you that information first, otherwise you are likely to put yourself into this category without being honest with yourself and really thinking about what you do. If you have not yet read the previous posts, do so now, and do the exercises given.
The law of reciprocity states that the universe will give to you whatever you have given. This is undeniably true, but if you have any doubts about this, it is probably because you don’t recognise the form in which the universe gives to you… this concept is explained in more detail in Chapter 5 in my e-book.
The problem that people experience when jumping straight to this law as their reason for giving instead of what I have mentioned in the previous posts, is the emotion that is attached to the giving and receiving, they think they are giving because they want to, but if you did the previous exercises properly and honestly, I am sure you understand how many times you give to others with conditions.
Fact: people give and receive all the time. However, giving from conditional space with emotional attachment; will have a different effect than giving unconditionally. Here is an example of giving in a love relationship:
Jane and her partner Tom is deeply in love. Jane loves giving to Tom since seeing him happy, makes her happy. She gives to him in different ways: giving up her tennis lessons to spend more time and money with him, doing his laundry and dishes since she’s got more free time at home and spends weekends with him at home rather than seeing her friends. She does this all with love and from the bottom of her heart. After about 3 years, Jane feels like Tom is not giving as much in the relationship as she does, she never see her friends, miss playing tennis, and feel like tom is not doing enough around the house as far as cleaning goes. She feels that even when they are at home together, Tom is not putting in enough effort to spend time with her, he would rather choose to read or work at home, even on weekends!
Can you relate to this story at all? Do you know people like this?
This is actually a case study straight from my archives; I just changed the names and other minor details. I had a session with Jane about this, as she was feeling resentful and angry towards Tom for not spending enough time with her, not cleaning enough around the house, and never compromise when she wants to do something different. She felt she was giving more than he did.
Who is the person who needs to learn to take responsibility in this example? If your answer is Jane, you are correct, if your answer is Tom, you better keep reading…
Tom has no idea about any of the things Jane chose to give up for him. She has been giving to him with the “unwritten” expectation that he will spend more time with her. In effect, this means that she put a “condition” on what she gave. Conditional giving is the surest way of getting hurt; as you have an expectation of getting back from the same person in a specific form… you will most likely not even notice what has been given back to you on a universal level, as you are so focused on the specific thing you want instead.
Unconditional giving is the only way you can truly give, as this means you wanted to give, without receiving anything back. Conditional giving will end up in anger, resentment, hurt or disappointment, or it was driven by fear, guilt or shame.
Why am I telling you all this?
Here is the answer you have been looking for all along…
If you always do what is Highest on Your Values, you will never do or give anything you didn’t want to do or give. You won’t have unreasonable expectations from anybody as you are doing what you love and expect them to do the same. You will never experience disappointment, resentment or anger because you don’t expect anything in return. Your actions and gifts will also not be motivated by fear, guilt or shame as you will always be clear on what you want and nobody will convince you otherwise…
If you do anything outside of your Highest Values, you are living according other peoples values, their expectations and their needs… you are not them, stop living their lives! You will not get what you want; you will get what they want. There is a saying: You are always enrolled in somebody’s dream, either your own, or somebody else
‘s.
Exercise: Write down the expectation or condition you placed on your “giving” for each of the people on your list (From the exercises in Part 1 and Part 2). Once you have done this, realise that for every condition you give, you are either doing something outside of your highest values or you are attached to a specific outcome. If this is the case, make sure you communicate this expectation to others involved; this will lessen the chance of you getting hurt in the process. If they don’t agree to the conditions mentioned, stop giving if they are not willing to reciprocate in the form you were expecting. This will save you a lot of bottled up emotion and get you moving in the direction of your “true highest values”.
Just to clarify, I’m not saying you shouldn’t give; in fact, giving is what life is all about! Just be aware of your intentions and expectation, since that will make all the difference.
I talk to people all the time without charging them for the conversation, since that is the topic I love talking about, but I know where my limits are with regards to “giving free advice” since people won’t use advice if they “get it for free” since they don’t see the value in what they were given. For them to take responsibility for the changes they want to make, I have to get some form of payment from them, so they “invest” in the process. “If you give somebody advice for free, they are likely to ignore it, the more they pay for it, the more likely they are to apply it.” – This has been proved by many studies all over the world.